They all board the train. The Belgians take their respective seats but all three Dutchs cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Belgians see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Belgians decide to copy the Dutchs on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Dutchs don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

When they board the train the three Belgians cram into a bathroom and the three Dutchs cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Dutchs leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Belgians are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

2) Flying High

Udurawana calls Air Lanka.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a second," says the rep.
"Thank you." says the Udurawana and cuts the line.

3) EMPLOYMENT.

Udurawana was filling up an application form for
a job. He filled the columns titled NAME, AGE,
ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary
Expected : After much thought he wrote : Yes

4) CROCODILE BOOTS.

Udurawana proposes to a woman. She says yes if you
bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off
to Africa and disappears. Finally a search team
found him hunting a huge crocodiles. He walks over
to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims
"70th damn croc and this bugger is also barefeet!"

5) Thermos

Udurawana goes into a store and sees a shiny
object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."Udurawana
then asks,
"What does it do?" The clerk responds,
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."Udurawana says,
"I'll take one!" The next day, he walks into work
with his new thermos. Udurawana's boss asked,
"Wow, you have a Thermos. What do you have in
it?" Udurawana replies,
"Two cups of coffee and a coke."

6) In Disguise

Udurawana went to the appliance store sale and
found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to Udurawanas," he replied.
He hurried home removed his beard and changed
his hair style, then came back and again told the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Udurawanas," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he still can recognize me," he thought.
He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut
and new hair colour, new outfit, big sunglasses,
then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.
I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Udurawanas,"
he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Udurawana?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

7) Why did 18 Udurawanas go to a movie?

Because below 18 was not allowed.

8) TO LOSE WEIGHT.

The doctor told Udurawana to run eight kilometres
a day for 300 days TO LOSE WEIGHT.. After 300 days,
Udurawana called the doctor to report he had lost
the weight, but he had a problem; "I'm 2400 kms
away from home."

9) TRAIN TO OHIYA.

Udurawana's two sons Sunil and Rohan are waiting
in a railway station. Sunil asks the clerk:
"Can I take this train to Ohia?"
"No," answers the Railway man. "then Can I ?" asks Rohan.

10) LOST WITHOUT HOPE

Having lost his donkey Udurawana, got down to his knees and
started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked,
"Your donkey is missing; why are you thanking God?"
The Udurawana replied "I am thanking him for that I wasn't riding the
donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

11) THE CHINESE WAY

Udurawana got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate
Mother: Sri Lankan.
Father: Sri Lankan.
Kid: Chinese.
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sri LAnkan?"
says Udurawana "Ahhh... I read in the newspaper, that
the every 4th person born on Earth now is a Chinese."

12) OUTER SPACE

Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and Udurawana were
sent to the outer space .The ground control issues commands
"Rubi!"
"Woof!" ( its the barking sound ) "Press the red button."
"Woof! Woof!"
"Moti!""Woof!" "Press the white button."
"Woof! Woof!"
"Udurawana!" "Woof."
"Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"

13) DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE

Udurawana and a friend Amaris went to Colombo. They managed to get
into a double-decker bus. Amaris somehow managed to find a
seat downstairs ,But unfortunately Udurawana got pushed to the top.
After a while when the rush was over, Amaris went upstairs to see
his friend Udurawana .He met Udurawana in a bad condition clutching
the seats in front with both hands and saying his prayers, scared to
death.He asks,"Oi Udurawana! What the heck's goin' on? Why are
you so scared?... I was really enjoying my ride down there?
Udurawana mumbles "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

14) HELLO....!!!

Udurawana with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his
ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt
and the phone rang - but instead of picking up
the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and
stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But ..what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."

HUSBAND - HAI DEAR,I AM LOGGED IN.

WIFE - HAVE YOU BROUGHT THE SAREE.
HUSBAND - BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME.

WIFE - BUT I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT IN MORNING
HUSBAND - ERRONEOUS SYNTAX, ABORT,RETRY,CANCEL.

WIFE - HAE BHAGWAN! FORGET IT! WHERE'S YOUR SALARY?.
HUSBAND - FILE IN USE,READ ONLY,TRY AFTER SOME TIME.

WIFE - ATLEAST GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD,I CAN DO SOME SHOPPING. >
HUSBAND - SHARING VIOLATION,ACCESS DENIED.

WIFE - I MADE A MISTAKE IN MARRYING YOU.
HUSBAND - DATA TYPE MISMATCH.

WIFE - YOU ARE USELESS.
HUSBAND - BY DEFAULT.

WIFE - WHO WAS THERE WITH YOU IN THE CAR THIS MORNING.
HUSBAND - SYSTEM UNSTABLE,PRESS> <CTRL>,<ALT>,<DEL> TO REBOOT.

WIFE - WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SOME SNACKS ?
HUSBAND - HARD DISK FULL.

WIFE - WHAT IS THE RELATION BETWEEN YOU & YOUR RECEPTIONIST.
HUSBAND - THE ONLY USER WITH WRITE PERMISSION.

WIFE - WHAT IS MY VALUE IN YOUR LIFE.
HUSBAND - UNKNOWN VIRUS DETECTED.

WIFE - DO YOU LOVE ME OR YOUR COMPUTER.
HUSBAND - TOO MANY PARAMETERS.

WIFE - I WILL GO TO MY DADS HOUSE.
HUSBAND - PROGRAM PERFORMED ILLEGAL OPERATION,IT WILL CLOSE.

WIFE - I WILL LEAVE YOU FOR EVER.
HUSBAND - CLOSE ALL PROGRAMS & LOG OUT FOR ANOTHER USER.

WIFE - IT IS WORTHLESS TALKING TO YOU
HUSBAND - SHUT DOWN THE COMPUTER.

WIFE - I AM GOING
HUSBAND - ITS NOW SAFE TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
----------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
----------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
----------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
----------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
----------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
----------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
----------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
----------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
----------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
----------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
----------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
----------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
----------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
----------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
----------------------------------------------
AND THE BEST ONE!
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law
somewhere.

This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What A Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, b35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."

lah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows."

The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window
and his printer is working fine."

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now
type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Overheard in a computer shop:
CUSTOMER: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
SALESPERSON: "Certainly, Sir. We've got a large variety."
CUSTOMER: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back
to the sender when I finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

CUSTOMER: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start
something like this: CUSTOMER: "Hi, Is this the Internet?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

CUSTOMER: "So that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
TECH SUPPORT: "Yeah."
CUSTOMER: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
TECH SUPPORT: "Uhh.. uh... uh... yeah."

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
"The Internet."

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

TECH SUPPORT: "All right, now double-click on the File Manager icon."
CUSTOMER: "That's why I hate this Window - because of icons. I'm a
Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
TECH SUPPORT: "Well, that's just an industry term, Sir. I don't believe
it was meant to..."
CUSTOMER: "I don't care about any 'Industry terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
TECH SUPPORT: "Well... why don't you click on the 'little picture of a
file cabinet. Is 'little picture' ok?"
CUSTOMER: (click)

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

CUSTOMER: "My computer crashed!"
TECH SUPPORT: "It crashed?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, and it won't let me play my game."
TECH SUPPORT: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
CUSTOMER: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
TECH SUPPORT: "Huh?"
CUSTOMER: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
TECH SUPPORT: "Click on 'file', then 'New Game.'"

CUSTOMER: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

CUSTOMER: "Your computer's sound card is defective and I want a new
one."
TECH SUPPORT: "What seems to be the problem?"
CUSTOMER: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of
the right speaker and the right channel is coming out of the left. It's
defective."
TECH SUPPORT: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to
the right side of the machine and vice-versa."
CUSTOMER: (sputter)... (click).
TECH SUPPORT: (snicker...)

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I got a call from a woman who said her laser printer was having
problems.
The bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed
strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her
through the basics, then came over and printed out a test sheet. It
printed
fine. I asked her to print a sheet herself. So she sent a print job to
the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and
showed
it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own.
Problem
solved.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett- Packard's DeskJet division
for
about a month when I had a customer with a problem I just couldn't
solve.

She could not print yellow. All the colours would print fine, which
truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and
yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but
green
printed fine. Every colour in the rainbow printed except for yellow. I
had
the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and
reinstall the drivers.
Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new
ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the
customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,
"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow
construction paper?"

Sometimes the user can teach us a thing or two about tech support.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech
support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the
printer."
On the phone the man said he held the printer up in front of the screen
but
the computer still couldn't find it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the
opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained
about how hard it was to hit the buttons. She was quite embarrassed
when
we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

This guy calls in to complain that he gets "access denied" message every
time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password
in capital letters.

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K., let's try once more, but use lower case letters."

CUSTOMER: "Oh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone and
our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the
class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers
and
switched the inputs for the keyboards.

She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look
on
her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what
was typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this
time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking, red-faced. I started
to
type..."Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced.
"What the..." the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud.

The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five
minutes.

ME: "Don't touch me!"
HER: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
ME: "Who do you think you are, anyway?" ... etc...

Finally I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair
laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both turned
beet
red. Funny I never got better than a C+ out of that class.

----------------------

I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a
program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told
me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he
couldn't
type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the
"dot over dot thingie" he got the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how
careful he was to press only the very top of the key. When I told him
about the shift key he thought I was a genius.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a
young woman sitting in front of one of the work stations with her arms
crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15
minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she
was
impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she
replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes
ago!"

The young children sat silently thinking, then finally little Jimmy
in the front of the class raised his hand. The teacher said "Okay
Jimmy what do think is the 1st part of you that gets to Heaven?"
Jimmy said "The top of your head, because when your standing up
it's the closest thing to Heaven." The teacher then said "Well
that's not quite what I'm looking for does anybody else have any
ideas?"

So little Mary raised her hand and said, "I know the answer it's
your heart." The teacher said "Your heart, why do say that?" Mary
said, "Cause that's where all the goodness and stuff is and when
you die it gets there 1st." The teacher smiled and said, "That's
real nice, but it's not quite what I'm looking for, anyone else?"

Just then little Hank the class troublemaker raised his hand. The
teacher said to herself, "Oh great Hank!" She said, "Okay Hank what
do you think the answer is." Hank then said all confident like he
knows exactly what he's talking about "The soles of your feet!"
The teacher said, "The soles of your feet?!, Why do say that?!"
So Hank says, "Well the other day I went up stairs and my mother
was lying on her bed with her feet up in the air saying, "Oh my
god I'm coming", and if it wasn't for the mailman holding her down
I think she would have went."

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working hours without
etting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month..
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

Years passed, and it was time to get them married. So,the parents found
them the most suitable 'leng chais'. They got married and were preparing to
set-off on their honeymoon. As "concerned parents', Mr.& Mrs. Ng were
curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the
daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told them, "Your
father & I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are
satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands'
curiosity...use a code-name to describe your experiences".

So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed. Mr. & Mrs. Ng got the
first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the letter and found the
word STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the newspaper and looked for
Standard Chartered advertisement.

"Ah! here it is!!!!" exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered
was "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY". Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.

A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The
content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the neswpaper and
looked for the Nescafe ad. 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP'. Mr. &
Mrs. Ng jumped in joy.

Another week passed. A month passed. 2 months passed. There was still no
letter from Anele. The Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came.

It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it
out. The code-name was "CATHAY PACIFIC".

Mr. Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the
pages frantically. "Aah! here it is!!!" Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read
aloud.

Before she could finish it....THUMP!!!!!!...she fell off her chair.

The ad read.....
7 DAYS A WEEK. 3 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP"

What woman think about sex
At age 8 ignore it.
At age 18 experience it.
At age 28 look for it.
At age 38 ask for it.
At age 48 beg for it.
At age 58 pay for it.
At age 68 pray for it.
At age 78 forget it!

MAN
The best way of describing a man is to compare him to fruits.
At 20 - A man is like a coconut; so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange; the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled &
cheap.

Man's sexual chemistry
At 20s thrice weekly
At 30s tries weekly
At 40s tries weakly
At 50s tries & tries
At 60s tries& cries
At 70s tries & dies!

Then the uncle took out Kiribath and started feasting. "And what is that
dish?" asked the curious Englishman.
"Rice of Lanka!" replied Appuhamy uncle proudly - and it was a huge
helping.

Finally, the uncle took out some Wattalapam desserts. He offered some to
the Englishman. "What is this called?" asked the Englishman.
"Sweet of Lanka!" replied Appuhamy uncle.

After the meal, everyone was settling down to a good snooze when there was
a loud "Phoooooooottt!" from Appuhamy uncle's back side, and the air was
perfumed with an evil scent.

"What in the world was that?" asked the Englishman, wrinkling his nose in
disgust.

Appuhamy uncle replied loftily,

wait for the asnswer (Page Down)

"That is Air Lanka!"

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in India), he
sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico), to see how much he could
spend today. After setting his watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made
in India), he got in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for
a good-paying American job.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to
relax for a while. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a
glass of wine (made in France), and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia),
then wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in AMERICA.

How a man withdraws cash from ATM.

1) Park the car
2) Go to ATM
3) Insert card
4) Enter PIN
5) Take money
6) Drive away
-------------------------

How a woman withdraws cash from ATM

1) Park the car
2) Check makeup
3) Turn off engine
4) Check makeup
5) Go to ATM
6) Hunt for ATM card in the purse.
7) Insert card
8) Hit Cancel
9) Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it.
10) Insert card
11) Enter PIN
12) Take cash
13) Go to car
14) Check makeup
15) Start car
16) Stop car
17) Run back to ATM
18) Take ATM card
19) Back to car
20) Check makeup
21) Start car
22) Check makeup
23) Drive for 1/2 mile
24) Release handbrake
25) Drive on.

B- BABE
I- IN
T- TOTAL
C- CONTROL of
H- HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "Bitch".........SMILE...........
And
say Thank You!!!!!!!!

Just as John and his wife started to make love, their six-year old son
burst into the room. "What are you doing, Dad?" he asked.
"You know how you've always wanted a brother?" the father asked.
"I'm putting a brother inside of your mom and he'll join our family in
about
nine months." The boy thanked his parents and closed the door.

The next evening, dad found the boy in front of the house, crying.
"What's the matter, son?"
"Dad, you know how you were putting a brother inside Mom for me?" the kid
said. "Well, Mr. Johnson next door ate him all this morning."

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that
my
car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming,
then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now
she's
all
dead."
"Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have
forgot
that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the
bottom of
the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?????
Is this 077-361983?

Telegram 2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a
telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received
by wife, "I wish you were her."

Telegram 3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return
to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came,it
was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in
the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a
telegram to her husband which reached as "Shall be coming tomorrow,
heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

This One is '' THE BEST ''
Telegram 4
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what
message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says
let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better". The
salesman
asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You
are not getting older", at the top and You are getting better" at the
bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire
party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not
getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom".
.

what were the travellers doing?"

Monkey : "Tying their belts"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Saying Hello! Goodmorning!"

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Checking the system"

Officer: "What were you doing?"

Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travellers doing?"

Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Serving the travellers"

Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Handling the steering"

Officer: "What were you doing?"

Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travellers doing?"

Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"

Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Make up"

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Handling"

Officer: "What were you doing?"

Monkey: " Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travellers
doing?"

Monkey: "All were sleeping"

Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Kissing the pilots"

Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

Monkey: "Responding"

Officer: "What were you doing?"

Monkey: "Handling the steering

The American : Do you eat that bread-entirely?

The Srilankan : Of course!

The American : We do not. We only eat the inner part, the crust is put
in
a
container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to
Srilanka.

The Srilankan says nothing.

The American continues : Do you eat this jelly with the bread?

The Srilankan repeats : Of course.

The American : We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for the breakfast, we
keep all the peels and seeds in the containers. Later we process it, and
transform it into jelly and than we sell it to Srilanka.

The Srilankan asks: And what do you do with the condoms after you use
them?

American: We throw them away, of course!

Srilankan : We do not. We keep them in containers, process them,
transform
them into chewing gum and then sell it to the United States.

Depanner White condom...25 cents
black condom...50 cents
orange condom..75 cents

The husband choose the black one cause the white one was too low
quality
and the orange one was too expensif...

(During this time,at home...)

The wife had a negro secret lover and he came and made sex to
her...(without condom)

................ 5 years later ........................

The couple had a baby and he was now aged of 4 years old and he asked
to
the father( the white one)...

kid-Dad how come you and mom are white and me black?
Dad-Be happy son,if I have spent 25 more cents you would be orange....

A man in a hot air balloon realizes that he's lost. He is
flying at low altitude in search of someone to give him
directions.

He spots a man in a field and drops to one meter above
the ground, and asks:
- "Excuse me, could you tell me where I am?"

The man replies :
- "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, at one meter above the
ground."

The guy who's lost answers:
- "You must be a consultant?"

- "That's right. How did you guess?"

- "Everything you've told me is technically correct, but that
doesn't help me one bit."

The consultant then says :
- "You must be a director of some sort,
like a project manager?

Surprised, the man in the air balloon answers :
- "Right. How did you guess?"
- Easy: you don't know where you are, nor where you're going,
but you're expecting me to help you.
You are in the same situation than before our encounter,
but now, it's my fault...

Part 2
All the time, the monkeys on the top will get the fruits
first, and most of the time, they will eventually produce
SHIT for all the monkeys below. And all the time, that's
what the monkeys below will get.

Part 3
For those monkeys who are climbing up, they have to first
kiss plenty of ass in order to move up. How high they
climb, will have to depend on how good they kiss. And
always if the one on top will not kiss any ass, his ass will
get KICKED !!!

Part 4
During times of great difficulties and hardship, the monkeys
on the top may fall a few branches down and hit the monkeys
below. The monkeys below will be fallen upon and eventually
some will fall off the tree, as in retrenched. As
compensation these monkeys that fell off get to keep the
fruits that were shaken off the tree during the commotion.
The tree becomes lighter and life slowly returns to normal.

And that, my friends, is what we call a corporate lifecycle.

if you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup
of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it).

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
>produced to create the energy
of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my
next life I want to be a >pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories an hour. (Still can't get
over that pig thing) (Don't try this at
home...maybe at work?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure. > (Is that why Flipper was
always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms?
Doesn't seem fair)

The strongest muscle in the body is the
tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine
years longer than >left-handed
people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you
split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
pull 30 times its own >weight
and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did
taxpayers pay for this >research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?
Who cares? How'd they >find out,
ask them?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What
can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football
field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why >pigs?)

A cockroach will live nine days without it's
head, before it starves >to
death.(Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while
its head is a